Real Food or Caloric Entertainment? #FAIL, Duncan Hines!

 

First: apologies for the wacky formatting of this post. Typepad launched a "new and improved" interface that is a colossal failure.

Pictured here: a beautiful artichoke display from Prevedelli Farms at the Food & Wine Farm to Table Harvest in Carmel on September 26. I went with Cynthia Sandberg as her VIP guest, and it was glorious. Because this is what real food looks like. Recognizable as food, not some Frankensteined mix of "ingredients" that have been machinated to lose all resemblance to something that nourishes your body cells and well-being.

If you've read this blog for any length of time, you know that I don't suffer fools gladly, especially on a day when I'm so grouchy that I could kick something for the pleasure of the pain to my foot. And you know that, on a few occasions, someone pimping promoting some fake-food item to ME has caused my innate cynic to haul out the Whack-a-Mole on them.

Case in point: an email this morning from someone representing that titan of nutritious real food caloric entertainment found inside a package inside a box, Duncan Hines. And this is what it said:

(With no subject line, either.)

Good afternoon!

I'm working with Duncan Hines to promote their new line of 100% Whole Grain muffins. Did you know that Duncan Hines is the only major brand whose entire muffin line is made with 100% whole grains, contains no artificial ingredients [emphasis mine] and has 0 grams trans fat per serving? It's true, and it allows you to serve your family not only delicious but also nutritious muffins that they'll love! And it’s even a good source of your daily fiber.

The entire Duncan Hines muffin line has been reformulated, including Duncan Hines Triple Chocolate Chunk, Apple Cinnamon, Blueberry Streusel, Wild Maine Blueberry, Cinnamon Swirl, and Chocolate Chip muffins. Several of the mixes even contain separate real quality ingredients, such as Wild Maine blueberries, oatmeal granola and streusel topping, allowing you to add as much or as little as you like!

For more information, and to find delicious alternative recipes made with the 100% whole grain muffins, visit the newly redesigned Duncan Hines 100% Whole Grain Muffin website where you can find a coupon for $1.00 off of any muffin mix. You can also become a fan and follower of Duncan Hines on Facebook and Twitter [with the ironic handle of realduncanhines].

 If you'd like to be kept up to date on the latest news, products, and promotions from Duncan Hines, or if you'd prefer to not be contacted again, simply let me know.

Happy Baking,
Winston

Well, well, well.  Where do we start?

Here. Yo, Winston (nice name, though).

1. Did you know that I think food from a box is despicable caloric entertainment, and that I wouldn't eat a Duncan Hines ANYTHING for ANY reason?
2. Did you know that non-organic blueberries and apples are among the most toxic fruits you can ingest, rating in the Dirty Dozen* for pesticide residue contamination?
3. Did you know that I am automatically suspicious of corporate food, especially when they don't list their (non-artificial—I'll be the judge of that) ingredients on the website?

*I was wrong. Blueberries aren't on there. So what?

Now you know a lot more than you did. I hope you find gainful employment that contributes to a healthier and cleaner planet, instead of shilling for Pinnacle Foods Corporation, who produces some of the most unappetizing, inedible, unhealthful "food" (caloric entertainment) on earth.

From the Pinnacle Foods website (not to be confused with Pinnacle Farms, a local hero of mine), about Log Cabin Syrup: "Authentic MAPLE-FLAVORED syrup for 120 years"? Yeah, buddy, try to say it with a straight face.

Pinnacle's other brands?

• Armour Born of Chicago's meatpacking industry. Gotta be healthy except what's in those cans? Bits of…?
  
• Aunt Jemima "We do the work, you just add the warmth." Because a frozen breakfast seemed like a good idea at the time. 
• Celeste "Authentic Italian since 1930." Also: "authentic pizzeria taste with microwaveable convenience to fit your busy lifestyle."Just like Nonna used to make!
  
• Duncan Hines "So moist. So delicious. And so much more." Indeed. Read the list of ingredients below—all of them completely NATURAL, found in nature! Really, we swear!
  
• Hungry-Man "It's Good to Be Full™" I had to laugh at the line from the Hungry-Man website about a pork (CAFO, certainly) sandwich: "expertly fried." Right. By a machine. An expert machine.
  
• Lenders "Lender's bakes bagels the authentic way – boiled and then hearth-baked." Ooh, can I come visit the hearth? I'll bring my knitting!
• Log Cabin (See above: authentic maple-flavored syrup…ow, my sides!)
  
• Mrs. Butterworth's High fructose corn syrup, corn syrup, water, salt, cellulose gum, molasses, potassium sorbate (preservative), sodium hexametaphosphate, citric acid, caramel color, natural and artificial flavors. Refrigeration not required. Hmmm.
  
• Mrs. Paul's Hey, get 21% of your RDA for sodium in those fishy sticks!
  
• Open Pit Yes, that's where I'd throw these barbeque sauces.
  
• Swanson Frozen food substances in a disposable aluminum tray. Brilliant AND ecologically sound!
  
• Van de Kamp's "Fresh Taste, Made Easy." Um, someone needs a dictionary. "Fresh" is defined: "not preserved by freezing, canning, pickling, salting, drying, etc.: fresh vegetables."
• Vlasic I wanted to leave the poor pickles alone, but these are NOT organic (I'll bet) cucumbers, and thus they retain a horrifying amount of pesticide residue.
  

MUFFIN MIX: WHOLE WHEAT FLOUR, SUGAR, SOYBEAN OIL, DEXTRIN. CONTAINS 2% OR LESS OF: LEAVENING (SODIUM ALUMINUM PHOSPHATE, SODIUM BICARBONATE), DEXTROSE, SALT, NATURAL FLAVOR (MALTODEXTRIN, MODIFIED CORN STARCH, MEDIUM CHAIN TRIGLYCERIDES, NATURAL FLAVOR), EMULSIFIER (SODIUM STEAROYL LACTYLATE, MONO- AND DIGLYCERIDES), MODIFIED FOOD STARCH, XANTHAN GUM, NATURAL FLAVOR. BLUEBERRIES PACKED IN LIGHT SYRUP: BLUEBERRIES, WATER, HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP. TOPPING PACKET: SUGAR, WHOLE WHEAT FLOUR, VEGETABLE OIL SHORTENING (PARTIALLY HYDROGENATED SOYBEAN OIL), DEXTROSE, NATURAL BUTTER FLAVOR. CONTAINS: WHEAT, MILK. MANUFACTURED ON EQUIPMENT THAT ALSO PROCESSES TREE NUTS.

And now, Duncan Hines (and your marketers), I rest my case. That's not food. It's a mix of chemicals and things that are probably not grown sustainably, and are probably tainted with the dust of Monsanto or Dow and their ilk. And enough with the high fructose corn syrup. That stuff is just plain evil.

Corporate food: contributing to a negative outcome for the health of our people and our planet for decades. No thank ya!

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "In a world economy where information is filtered by global media corporations, keenly attuned to their powerful advertisers, who will defend the public's right to know? And what price must be paid to preserve our ability to make informed choices?" —"The Corporation," a documentary everyone should see

Thanks for visiting. Sorry for the rant. I'm so over these people.

• • • • • • • • • • •

EDIT: October 9, I'm adding links to the other rants I've made about "these people."

1. One Potato, Two Potato, Three Potato, NOT. Ah, yes, how fondly I remember. The one that started them all! In which a marketer (Fleishman-Hillard) for Hasbro (you know, the nutritionists), wants me to advertise for them (for free!) about the new "Healthy Mr. Potato Head." The red pencil came out of the drawer for this one. It was fun!

2. Moove Your Ass Out of Here, Evil Marketing Idiots. In which I used some cuss words. 

3. Bye, Bye, Miss American Lamb Board Pie: A New Rant. Once again, Fleishman-Hillard. This time I took the opportunity to visit and edit their Wikipedia page with a link to the Mr. Potato Head post. Bonus page: an entire page about the American Lamb Board's political ties, chock full of statistics and a snowblower for the bulls--t…sheeps--t?…you'll have to step through.

UPDATE: This morning, this blog post was chosen by Food News Journal as one of the best on the web: "Every weekday, we post links to the best food and wine stories from around the world, as well as to our favorite blogs of the day." Thanks, FNJ!

Happy birthday, John Lennon, wherever you are.

Comments

[localnourishment.com]

Preach it! "An expert machine." HA! Thanks for the best laugh I've had all day!

[tmongan]

I just got done reading "In Defense of Food" by Michael Pollan. Your website is a great follow up! I taotally back your "Rant" 100% Keep up the good work!

[Paleo Garden]

Yes, it's amazing how with just the mention of "whole grains" on a package we're expected to forget that not only are grains not exactly the most nutritious thing to eat, but all of the other HFCS like stuff in the packaged foodstuff is supposed to be negated somehow because, well, you know, it's got Whole Grains! The mythology of a high fiber diet is not what you think it is, it's based on sexual repression!

[m]

I am a teacher of business and the first thing I make my students do is watch "The Corporation"